Lately, I've been a whole soup of emotions. Particularly in the past two or three weeks. When fall and winter start melting together up here, it's been that in the past that bad things happened and my subconscious mind remembers it. Deep depression, real life issues, and being tremendously sick one winter that it brought on panic attacks. That was no fun, at all. It'd be foolish to think that it'd never happen again, but... it'd also be foolish to dwell on it.

It's very hard to stay positive when annually the bad news comes this time of year. Christmases have been melancholy and the cold makes me think of bad memories. It shouldn't... the cold and snow are beautiful around here. But when you've got or had depression, you lose a large chunk of your memory and usually all that remains were those pesky bad ones.

I've tried meditation, but my mind is too crowded still. So worried so that it drives the nails of anxiety into my gut sometimes. It's not as bad as it used to be, though. Some nights I used to sit bolt upright and be convinced that WorldWar III was finally upon us or that a giant meteor was going to smash down and kill us all. It sounds ridiculous when you're not already frightened, doesn't it? When you're scared, everything gets blown out of proportion.

It does nothing for your creativity, I can tell you that. And these days I'm being asked to be creative on demand. Does that make me a professional now? I don't feel like a professional, but somehow people came to believe that I am.